A Dozen Years

My oldest son would have been 12 this year, 2016. In fact, it happened way back in February. It’s been 9 months since our annual Act of Kindness Memorial for his birthday and I’m just now putting them all together in one place. (Here’s 2013, 2014 & 2015 in case you are so inclined.)

I’ve thought about this many times over the past 9 months… “why haven’t I done that yet?”, “What if I don’t get around to it before his next birthday comes?”, “Do I really need to do it? I mean, it’s all captured on Facebook anyway…” I’ve had this little conversation with myself off and on over the past nearly-a-year and finally, here I am. Doing one little part of the small amount of mothering that is still left to me when it comes to my oldest.

Here’s what I think I know: mothering my dead child can be very similar to what mothering my living children feels like sometimes.

The rare days I push snooze too many times and they have to eat in the cafeteria because I simply didn’t feel like rushing to help them make their lunches. Somedays I just close the doors to their rooms because I don’t have the energy to lord over them long enough to get it cleaned up. Some weeks I pretend reading logs don’t exist…and feel pretty certain the only reading happening is Calvin & Hobbes. And sometimes they play video games before they do homework and chores because I simply want 30 more minutes to sit in my comfy chair and stare at Instagram or finish a book or listen to a podcast before the after-school grind begins.

And some years, apparently, it takes me 9 months to sit down and pull together the photos and acts of kindness from one of my very favorite family traditions… our WWS RAOK Day.

So here they are, from February, all TWELVE:

RAOK #1 – Ron and I had a vocabulary contest on freerice.com and donated over 2500 grains of rice to those in need around the globe. It’s super easy – check it out.

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RAOK #2 – The boys helped out at Crescent Bend Nature Park with the bird blinds, which are 100% volunteer-supported. They cleaned out the baths and put out water and filled feeders… happy birds!

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Then we headed to McAllister Park for RAOK #3 to share a little love with our four-legged friends:

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RAOK #4 – Next up was the creation of a dozen blessing bags to have on hand for the many intersections in town where people are asking for handouts. The boys and I often talk about the individuals who hold the little cardboard signs and they decided that having practical things to hand out would be nice.

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For RAOK #5 we donated eight brand new duffle bags to a local charity that supports foster children. Did you know that when nearly 95% of children are pulled from their homes by a case worker, they gather their few belongings into a trash bag? Some children move from home to home over several years with only a trash bag to hold their most precious items – stuffed animals, family photos and toys. Too sad. A local group aims to fill every case worker’s car with something more dignified than a trash bag and we support that for sure!

Quite often, while driving into one of the entrances of our neighborhood, Whitman will comment on the trash and scold imaginary people for being litterbugs… so for RAOK #6 the boys cleaned it up!  (Don’t let Lincoln’s face fool you – they were happy to do it – he was irritated with Whitman’s lack of focus. As always.)

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Our local burger joint has an awesome outdoor play area that is usually full of kids…and never full of enough footballs and basketballs. So we left a bunch behind when we had lunch… RAOK #7

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RAOK #8 – Here we are shipping off all my old cell phones to a domestic violence advocacy organization – because for women trapped in a dangerous situation, a phone can make all the difference. (ncadv.org)

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For RAOK #9 we distributed gift cards all over the place all day… lots of little surprises left on car windshields and in car doors all over town. The boys loved this one!

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Lincoln wanted to be in charge of RAOK #10 this year, because he just turned 10. And he spent his own newly-acquired money to buy stuffed animals to donate to the emergency room “for kids that have to come in here and are probably scared and need something to help them feel better.” His sweet heart makes mine swell.

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First it was birds and then it’s the bees!! We threw a ton of these seed bombs all over the neighborhood – which the boys thought was awesome, of course. We hope we added some flower love out there for our bee friends on RAOK #11.  seedles.com

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And finally, #12, was a crazy, ridiculous tip for our delightful waitress at Cured. Best of all, it was split by my sweet cousin and her husband who were so happy to get to participate in our WWS RAOK Day!

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As regular readers know, this day is one of my very favorites. It seems to get sweeter and more fun every year even as the emotion and energy of the day continue to evolve. I’m still not completely sure what my reluctance/resistance was about to not put the final bow on this one for so long… maybe I was dragging my feet because 2017 means the dreaded teens begin and I was trying to put it off!😉  Or maybe this year was simply one that felt weary. Twelve years is a long time to carry so much missing. As his brothers get older, it is easier to imagine what he might have been like and the relationships they might have had. I still look at moms with three boys and feel jealous – even after all this time.

One thing I do know is that I felt compelled to finally do it because a lifelong friend of mine had to bury her son yesterday. And today she drove for hours to his college campus to clean out his room and bring all of his belongings home. And for the last week, since I heard the news, I’ve just been trying not to throw up. I’m going to write another post entirely on that experience, but suffice it to say that I’ve thought a lot this week about the road that is ahead of her. The years she has still in front of her in which she will have to figure out how to keep mothering him when he is no longer on the planet with her. My heart is broken for her and it also knows that rituals and integration are key to surviving all of it. And so I could not neglect this any longer – this ritual of mine, this integration of my son’s death into my family’s life – it serves a purpose greater than most will ever understand and, after a week like this one, it deserved my attention.

So, at long last, my dear boy,

Happy birthday!  …I’m sorry your letter is nine months late. My world continues to have a space in it that was meant for you. Your space contains all kinds of things at any given moment – wonder, longing, joy, connection, grief, laughter, and more. It is a space that is known and seen by many and because of that it is dynamic and connects me to all those who would have loved you. Mostly, though, it remains the space where you are best remembered. It’s my most important job as your mom – to simply remember. To remember the absolute perfection of you when you came silently into this world. Your dark, curly hair – such a surprise. My grandfather’s miniature nose right there on your precious little face. An intensity about you, visible even in your death, that has lent itself to my imaginings over your personality all these years. The unmistakable infant smell that lingered on your tiny blanket much longer than I expected it to, but not nearly long enough. I remember. I will always remember. Here’s to the first dozen years of remembering…

All my love, for all time,

Mom

Advent Calendar Make-Over

A few years ago I distinctly remember feeling DONE with the advent calendar. I was at a loss for what to put in the little boxes – seriously, there’s enough candy everywhere already – and how many teeny, tiny gifts even exist that won’t just wind up in the trash? The boys were only so excited about endless stickers and temporary tattoos. Not to mention that I forgot about it as many nights as I remembered…and there’s nothing quite like scampering about at 6:21am when you hear the kids stirring awake and remember that the little box is empty – again. I vowed to free myself from the advent calendar ridiculousness.

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Also, the older I get, the more allergic I feel to anything that even smells like entitlement or sheer, unadulterated consumerism… so that certainly helped progress the transformation. Over the past few years we’ve transitioned to a month of family activities, gift giving and acts of kindness in place of the candy and toys… disclaimer: I’m not a total Scrooge, so there are some Skittles and Starbursts thrown in the mix!  ;-)

The boys and I posted (almost) daily on FBTwitter and IG (#adventwiththesooses) but, I had several requests for the whole list in one place, so this is for YOU!

1. Gather up all the Christmas books for a month of nightly holiday stories.

2. Make and send Christmas cards for service men and women deployed away from home.

3. Send stuffed animals and blankets to the boys’ school for their student council drive “Barrett’s Bears.” (They collected over 700 items to give to the Children’s Hospital!!)

4. Do something nice for someone at your school today. (And I made cookies for them when they got home and we talked about who and what and how it went.)

5. First round of holiday goodies going to school for principal and nurse and counselor.

6. A New Year’s package for our sponsored child.

7. Go through clothes and donate to the Children’s Shelter and Goodwill.

8. Second round of holiday goodies to the school for the front office staff.

9. Write love letters to selected family members.

10. Leave a gift for the mail carrier.

11. Do something nice for your brother. (Yes, they hated this one!!)🙂

12. Take a gift for the bus driver.

13. Love notes and goodies for the nanny.

14. Go through toys and donate to the Children’s Shelter and Goodwill. (Also filed under: must.make.room.for.grandparent.gift.overload.)  :)

15. Goodies for the garbage men and recycling guys.

16. More love notes to other family members.

17. Third round of gifts to the boys’ school for specials teachers.

18. Go see Christmas lights with grandparents…have hot cocoa and s’mores!

19. Take gifts to your teachers.

20. Build a fire tonight to go with your Christmas stories.

21. Donate to Wheatens In Need…or current favorite charity.

22. Candy cane bomb a parking lot.

23. Leave popcorn at a RedBox for renters.

24. Put out treats for the birds. (no photos after this because the flu came to visit our house just in time for Christmas!!)😦

25. Huge chocolate candy coins to have with Christmas breakfast.

And that’s how I finally survived an advent calendar!

For other ideas and inspiration for your own advent makeovers, you can look here and here and here. There was also lots of talk this year about transforming the infamous Elf on the Shelf into a Kindness Elf… same concept and Pinterest is full, full, full of more ideas including these cute printables.

I hope this post finds you healthy and grateful and looking forward to a brand new year! Merry Christmas!

Fuss-free Halloween Treats

DSC_0002Because the bags and bags of candy lying around the week of Halloween aren’t enough… I thought, “Hey, let’s make that bark stuff where we pile it all together and coat it in chocolate!”

So easy – and it does kind of look like a party on a plate.

I modified the recipe here because I couldn’t find the Halloween Oreos, so I used brownie crisps, instead. The boys had fun stealing candy while I tried to make it before all the ingredients were gone.

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Oh! And I almost forgot! The other day I made these silly mummy dogs to help us get into the Halloween spirit…also super easy and a big hit.

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Yes, they are exactly what they look like. Hot dogs (organic, non-cured, non-nitrate of course ;-)) wrapped in crescent rolls and baked…with mustard dots for eyes. The boys had a good laugh at breakfast and started asking when they could wear their costumes.

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Well, they aren’t THAT scary.🙂

Happy Halloween Week!!

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My love-hate relationship with Summer

Seems like I was just posting about our summer bucket list and bam! school starts tomorrow. Lucky for me, I did not blink…so I did not miss it in spite of the break-neck speed.

Summer is always such a paradox for me. (As are a lot of things…which is why I’m such a Whitman fan, I think, because his quote comes up in my head a lot and gets truer and truer every year: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”)

I LOVE the Summer. I love the freedom and the sleeping in and not making lunches and not seeing a backpack or a stack of papers for months. I love being in and out of the pool all day and watching sun-kissed boys lounge in their nearly-dry bathing suits while they insist that popcorn is acceptable for lunch – and I agree.

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I love that mealtimes sort of go away and we gather and eat when and if we feel like it. I love deciding, at the crack of 10am, that today we’ll go binge on video games and bad pizza and then we just go do that…because there is no schedule to consult or adjust.

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I love that my parents take the boys every Friday and do the coolest stuff: bat caves and zip lining and ropes courses and paddle boarding and movies and ice skating and roller skating and bouncy house fun.

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I love the lake trips and day drives and bowling/swimming playdates and mid-week sleepovers and pottery class and ALL.OF.IT.

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Every day with the boys I was aware how quickly this time will pass and that someday summers won’t look anything like this…and I’ll miss them terribly, I know. I felt so grateful to be able to be home with them so much and such a big part of their lazy Summer days. 

And honestly, just reading that last paragraph I can feel the other side of the paradox fake barfing just like my boys do over such sappy sentiments. Because, also, I DO NOT love the Summer. I crave a routine and without one I can get listless and unproductive. The empty calendar pages loom for weeks and I feel the pressure to fill them, make them useful, don’t just sit around for 2.5 months, go, do, learn, inspire, engage, entertain…and then I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. DSC_0136I really, really miss school-night bedtime…when the boys are staying up late every day feels endless and like I don’t get any of my necessary “me” time. Going to work feels like a chore because I have to leave all the fun and schedule all the nannies and I get lazy about my own career – which is something I adore. And then I feel bad about not being a good grown-up. DSC_0021They watch too much TV and play too many videogames and at some point I just say “OK” because we’ve already done everything on the list for that day…so, why not? And the “nutrition” that comes with the summer – ha, who am I kidding? So then mom-guilt sets in. Also, I adore back-to-school shopping – really – and that only happens when Summer ends. And then there’s the fighting… don’t even get me started on the bickering and poking and picking and taunting and antagonizing that has been perfected this Summer. IMG_0963They worked at it as if their very lives depended on it, like an artist works his craft, like an athlete trains for his biggest feat… they honed their rivalry skills and nearly drove me nutty in the process. I planned days based on the sole purpose of separating them. I planned activities in which they wouldn’t see each other for hours. I sent them to their rooms and forbid them to look at one another. So there are just as many reasons that I do NOT love the Summer.

And because of all of that, I am full with contradictory melancholy and glee that today is the last day of the Summer.

DSC_0005We had our ritual end-of-summer camp night this weekend and I was a mess of emotions over it. First, we moved into a new neighborhood at the start of this Summer, so the new house is still showing us what treasures it holds…like being able to camp out, under dreamy stars amid a glorious, somehow-cool breeze at the end of August in Texas surrounded by deer without a single mosquito in sight…seriously, who knew that was even possible? We had a late, late swim and then dried off by the campfire and fell straight into the tent where Whitman laughed us to sleep with his “guess which animal I’m thinking of” game. (Which I would love to tell you about, but I don’t really understand it. He loves it and it makes us all crack up – that will have to do.) How could I want for anything like that to ever end? I felt sad and sentimental and incredibly blessed. DSC_0043

And in the morning, I was delighted at the thought, “OK, that’s the end of that…back to the real world we go. Thank goodness for regular bedtimes which will soon be back!” And I made breakfast and organized something and put things on a calendar and filled out first-day-of-school paperwork… so relieved to think this Summer craziness would all be over soon. Whew.

Then the boys began begging me to get in the pool for a morning swim… “Dad’s here, come on, it’s so nice and cool…come on mom, why won’t you??!! Huh? Why not? Come have fun with us!” And so, just to shut them up, and maybe also to prove that on rare occasions I can actually be as much fun as their father, I walked straight across the deck, still in pajamas mind you, and jumped right in. Their squeals of delight made me instantly miss the Summer again. DSC_0011

So, dear Summer, so long for now… I have loved and hated every minute of you. I will mourn your end at the crack of dawn while I’m making breakfast, buttoning buttons, packing fresh new backpacks, combing hair and supervising teeth brushing. I will mourn you when the boys sigh at my refusal to let them swim at 8:00pm because there’s still too much to do and it’s bedtime. I will mourn you when it’s my day off and I can’t steal away my children for an unscheduled day doing who-knows-what.

I will also delight in your passing at 8:17am when I’m alone in a silent house with no mouths to feed and no bickering to referee.  I’ll probably also do that again around noon, just because I can. Try not to take it personally.

Thank you, Summer – you’ve been the very best!

Ten Years: Update

I just got a phone call from Ian’s mom… she is at the bakery right now picking up his cake that was our RAOK #2 this week.

I just had to update because I was so certain that my time at the bakery would be so much better than theirs – that whole giving is better than receiving thing, right? She insisted that the bakery owner call me so she could thank me… the minute she heard my voice I could tell she had those “brimming tears” (and me, too, of course.) She was gracious and lovely and I wished her a very, very happy birthday party weekend.

And y’all, I just know that when she hung up the phone she got one of those awesome hugs!! So yay for us – her time at the bakery WAS almost as good as mine!

Happy Birthday Ian!!
Happy Birthday Ian!!

Ten Years

Y’all. I can’t wait to tell you about my day.

But first, do you know what “brimming tears” are?  They aren’t sad or mad tears. They aren’t exactly just tears of joy either. They are the tears that happen when you are just completely full. There’s just so much…so much good, so much love, so much gratitude, so much in-this-moment-right-here…that the slightest extra thing, extra hug, extra smile, extra word makes you spill over in the form of tears. Brimming tears.

(They can also happen the other way… so defeated, so anxious, so exhausted, so hopeless that one more little thing – one more spilled cup, one more middle-of-the-night-wake-up, one more mean word… and you spill over that way too. But that’s not the kind I’m talking about today. No, not at all.)

Today I am the mother of a ten-year-old. For those ten years he has been in a tiny, cherry wood urn sitting in an heirloom cabinet in our living room. I can see it from this chair I sit in. It is surrounded by Willow Tree figures. For ten years I have been trying to figure out how to be a mom to my oldest child – simultaneously the easiest and most difficult of my children. He doesn’t talk back. He doesn’t have a perpetually messy room. He requires no laundry, no car pooling and no grocery store lists. But he’s also never reached for my hand. Never laughed so hard that I wondered if he would be able to catch his breath. He’s never snuggled, fresh from a bath, into my lap in order to get to stay up past bedtime. For ten years I’ve been trying to solve this dilemma – what does it look like to parent this oldest child of mine?

Just like parenting my living children, I’ve made some mistakes. But I’ve tried to learn from them…and from other brave moms before me who share these experiences. I’ve never stopped trying to figure it out, trying to get closer to what I think it could be…lots of trial and error about how to keep his memory alive and honor the ways he’s changed me and changed our family. I imagine it’s something I will do for the rest of my life – and I hope I never feel like it’s done. One of the things that does work for us is to spend his birthday inflicting kindness on as many people as we can manage… and today it was pretty splendid.

So here they are… the WWS Random Acts of Kindness to commemorate a decade:

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WWS RAOK #1 The joy of flowers

Now that the boys are getting a little older, they throw their ideas into the RAOK bucket when February comes around. This is Whitman about to deliver flowers to the office at his school. He also took flowers to his teachers (and in his backpack when he came home this afternoon there was the cutest thank you note signed by the whole class…too much!)

I should also note that Whitman really wanted to give gift cards to, well, like to everyone. I’m not entirely sure he knows exactly what a gift card is, but he definitely wanted everyone to have one today. This tradition could get pretty expensive if we ever let him be in charge!

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Check out this adorable little bakery…serious cuteness in here. This was easily one of my favorites of the day.

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WWS RAOK#2 Cakes and Hugs

This sweet little bakery definitely saw some brimming tears today. And not just mine, either.

I had made arrangements (via email) to anonymously pay for someone’s birthday cake – and out of the three bakeries I contacted only one of them even answered me and then followed up again to let me know that an order had come in that might be what I was looking for. I was so grateful that someone took the time to help out with my little request.

To the lady at the counter: “Hi, I’ve been emailing with someone here about paying for a birthday cake?”

A head poked around the corner from the back, “Oh that’s me. Are you Jennifer?”

“Yes, yes I am.”

“I think I have to hug you.”

And people, she wasn’t joking around. You know how sometimes you get a hug and it’s nice – it’s just a simple, quick hug and it warms you up a bit? And then there’s what happens when people hold onto you for longer than that. And they talk to you while they are loving on you. As this woman who I had known for exactly 1.7 seconds was squeezing me she started saying, “I lost my husband recently and, oh, that was so, so hard. I just can’t imagine a child. This thing you are doing to honor his birthday, it’s just beautiful…beautiful.” (She was still hugging… and I could tell that her brimming tears had started.) We chatted for a minute – she asked about Wheeler and then the lady at the counter took a noticeable breath and headed to the back. My new best friend leaned in and said, “She lost a baby, too…this is probably hard.” I know I don’t have to tell you, but this is where you can cue my brimming tears if you are picturing this like a video in your head. I paid for a cake for a little boy who is celebrating his birthday this weekend – Ian, who likes all things construction related – and requested a picture of the cake when it was finished, if that wasn’t too much trouble. As I was signing the receipt the other woman came back to the counter and she was taking a good hard look at the card I was leaving – this side:

DSC_0030And then I knew why no other bakery had called me back. (You can cue another round of brimming tears for that moment when I got back into my car.)  I almost feel sorry for Ian’s parents…I mean, sure, they are in for a nice little surprise when they pick up his cake on Saturday and don’t have to pay for it…but, seriously, I hope somehow they get one of those hugs. I hope they get at least one dose of brimming tears. If not, they won’t get nearly the joy at Meemo’s that I had today.  Bakery RAOK Update

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WWS RAOK #3 Notes to Soldiers

These are some of the cards the  boys made to send to soldiers who are serving overseas. Thanks to the most awesome nanny in the world, this little project took place on a day when I was working until 9:30pm…and it was lovely to come home to a table full of these cards. We used A Million Thanks as our resource to send the cards out today as RAOK #3. Most of the cards just said “Thank you” or “Thanks for your service” but one, there was just one that had a little something extra (that I hope my brother gets to see…)

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Can you see that? “Thank you for everything you do for us.” And then the tiniest little stick guy under our flag pointing what looks like a gun at another little stick guy who is in “som other contry.” Poor little guy in some other country…can you feel patriotic when you don’t even know where you are from?!

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WWS RAOK #4 Care Package to Seattle

(Apologies for some of these photos which were taken with my phone. Let me tell you a little story about my phone. It’s an iPhone, technically. I believe they actually refer to it as an iPhonasaurus. A few weeks ago I was at the end of a session with a client and I grabbed my phone to look at the calendar to schedule his next appointment and he said, “Geez doc, that thing still work? Does it even HAVE a calendar on it?” “No,” I said, “Actually it’s not a calendar, it’s a sundial. But it works just fine. How’s next Wednesday at two clicks past the third quadrant?”  Yes, he’s at least a decade younger than I. And yes, many, many clients can not resist the urge to call me “Doc”… not because they think I am one, but because of my last name. OK… so there you go. My phone is old. The camera sucks. Let’s move on.)

Shortly after Christmas one of my favorite souls on this planet posted on Facebook about how the homeless shelter at which she works had not gotten nearly the stuff they needed during the holidays. And that was a particularly bad thing since the holidays are when people tend to do that kind of thing. So I pledged to her that when Wheeler’s birthday came around, we would send a package of whatever she needed most at that time…which is what the boys are helping me do at the post office in that Jurassic photo above. Maybe now a shelter full of men in Seattle can stop sharing nail clippers. Ew.

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My little helpers as we loaded up stuff for all of our stops.

Time to head to the park for RAOK #s 5 and 6. The weather was so gorgeous today, so these two were just plain fun.

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WWS RAOK #5 Happy Dogs

A bin full of dog toys and frisbees at the dog park. Whitman really, really wanted to go around and hand out each of the toys to the dogs and owners that were there. He absolutely couldn’t understand why I was content to just set them out on a bench and leave them.

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But, as you can see, he’s really shy like that. (And no, in spite of the last few photos, Linc was not in a bad mood…he’s in an anti-camera phase at the moment, so his cooperation can not be counted on.)

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We moved on to the playground. I sure hope that little cutey on the rock wall got to enjoy some of the bubbles we left behind.

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WWS RAOK #6 Bubble Time

The next Act of Kindness would test us all. Our will power, that is.

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WWS RAOK #7 More Happy Animals

Here’s Whit reluctantly dropping off the toys and treats for the dogs at the Animal Defense League. Reluctantly because, again, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t just take them into the facility with us and hand them out to each and every dog there. Which I totally get.

We went in and walked around and loved on the animals and, miraculously, we have just as many animals as we had when we got there. (whew!)

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Professional Nappers

Next we headed home for a little break, two more RAOKs and to wait until later so Ron could join us for the last few of the day.

WWS RAOK #8: The boys helped me pick out a child to sponsor on the Compassion International website. We found a little boy who shares Wheeler’s birthday whose name is Angel and lives in Nicaragua. This is part of my on-going effort to raise children who have as broad of a perspective as possible. I mean, let’s face it, if you are born a white male in the USA, you’ve pretty much won the global lottery. I wish, wish, wish for children who learn to be mindful of the larger picture, the planet as a whole…to think of their impact on it and to understand that other people, other humans just like ourselves, are out there living lives quite different than our own. I have hopes that by reaching out to a boy their age we will not only provide some basic necessities to him, but that they will also broaden their world view just a smidge. Baby steps.

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WWS RAOK #9 Memorial Boxes

Long-time readers might remember this post about little boxes… and so this act will be a familiar one. In March our local chapter of MISS Foundation will be hosting a memorial box painting party and these supplies will be donated to that event, turned into works of art, make their way to a local hospital and eventually into the home of a family who finds themselves on this unwanted journey. These boxes will some day contain very precious and priceless cargo.

And finally…twelve hours after we started…we completed our TENTH RAOK:

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WWS RAOK #10 Movie Night

What’s movie night without popcorn?? We attached a dozen packages of microwave popcorn to the RedBox in our neighborhood.  Fun, right? I hope so… it was a nice way to end a busy, bittersweet, splendid, generous day.

Throughout this day I lost count of the messages and texts and emails coming in from all over the place…my dear, dear friends by whom I am so blessed all sharing how they were remembering Wheeler in their own communities and in their own ways. In Dallas and Houston and Atlanta, Arizona and California there were people paying for Starbucks orders for those in line behind them, donations made to animal rescue organizations, formula and diapers given to a women’s shelter, extra large ice cream bought for an unsuspecting kid, cookies baked and delivered, library fines anonymously paid off, a teacher who recruited her whole class to join in and many others that kept trickling in over the course of the day. I felt giddy at the thought of all this kindness going out into the world with my little boy’s legacy attached to it…I felt über-connected to all of you. I will never be able to thank you enough.

A number of the messages wanted to know, “How are you?” And not like the usual “How’s it going?” but the much more sincere, “No, really, how are you…really?” It’s a question that I very much appreciate and here’s the answer:

I really am quite well. This is a day I have grown to love, love, love. Grown to love. I didn’t start there, for sure. These past few years I have marked the day completely out – no clients, not much work, no obligations – and it’s one of the few times I can do that with very little guilt. The time with the boys is precious – they ask such great questions and embrace the spirit of this endeavor in a way that surprises me and makes me brim (yet again!)

Here, at the decade mark, there is much, much less sadness. Of course I still wish he was here, in our family where he belongs. Of course I wonder things like how tall would he be by now? Would he play sports? Which brother would look more like him? What would his voice sound like? What would he dream of doing with his life? I wonder. But that’s not what parenting this kid looks like – I don’t get to know those things. And I’m making peace with that. Days like today help me do that. All day I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for how his existence has changed me and how much influence he has on our family…I could have burst with it. The impact he has had just wasn’t possible in any other way.

I give a talk at memorial services about the transformation that grief brings and in that speech there is bit of poetry from Gibran. He basically says that he who has not looked on sorrow will never truly look on joy. “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” Wheeler’s brief visit on this planet carved out such a space in me I wasn’t always sure I could endure; but here, here at the ten-year place, I mostly feel astounded at my capacity for joy and gratitude and perspective. What greater gift could a son give a mother?

And that is how I really am. Brimming.

WWS sunset

So happy birthday my dear, sweet boy. There remains a hole in our family that is exactly your size…thank you so much for teaching us how to fill it with all the best parts of what we have to offer. You’ve made me a better mother than I could have been without you. I can’t wait to see what it’s like to learn to parent you for the next ten years.

Until then, all my love,

Mom ♥

For past years of Memorial RAOKs… go here and here

For more information on MISS Foundation go here for national and here for San Antonio.

Acts of Kindness…NINE

Yesterday was my oldest son’s ninth birthday and we embarked on nine random acts of kindness as a way to celebrate that day. It’s something we’ve never actually shared with him since he arrived and departed at the same moment. And, as regular readers know, we’ve done different things each year to commemorate his too-short life.  Here’s last year’s post. And now for this year’s version…it’s really become one of my very favorite days!

Thanks to all of you who follow and “Like” and comment and show love on Facebook – you know who you are.🙂  For you, it’s just a recap. Oh, and for more on the whole Kindness-as-a-way-to-remember project, go here.

We started the morning with a note in the mailbox for the mailman:

Mailman RAK

It was a hand-made thank you note from the boys with a Sonic gift card.

RAK #2:  Adopt-A-Soldier

Adopt a Soldier RAK

adopt a soldier whit
My little helper (and his pet hedgehog) at the post office.

We mailed off a care package to a platoon of soldiers in a remote area of Afghanistan.  There’s a great list of things they like to receive at the Adopt-A-Soldier website with plenty of detailed instructions.  Also, I got the best service I’ve ever witnessed at the post office when they found out what I was trying to mail…so that was a bonus.

RAK #3: Book Donation

The elementary school in our neighborhood was having a used book drive…easy, breezy choice! I got to clean out the kids’ bookshelves and the library got some new goods!

Books RAK

Books RAK2

RAK #4: Animal Defense League

We delivered a bunch of items from their wish list to the facility…and then we walked around and paid a lot of attention to the critters there.  What a great facility it seems to be…so clean and well-kept…open access to all the animals and lots of outdoor spaces. We had a great time there and even managed to NOT come home with extra animals (which made Ron very happy.)

ADL RAK

RAK #5: Hidden money at the Dollar Store

The boys had a lot of fun doing this one – stealthily sneaking throughout the toy section at the Dollar Store and stashing little envelopes that said “Open Me” which held $1.10 (you know, to cover tax.)  :)  Lincoln really wanted to stick around and see if we could watch someone find it…which I admit would have been fun.

Dollar Store RAK 67317_10151250928836891_195074575_n

RAK #6: Children’s Bereavement Center of South Texas

Seriously, this is one of my favorite programs on the planet. They do amazing, inspiring, heart-wrenching work here…and I hope beyond hope that all the kids I love never need any of their services. But I do feel more peaceful just knowing they are out there doing such important, life-changing things.  They also have an online wish list and the boys were delighted to stock up on art supplies and snacks for us to donate to their groups.

CBCST RAK

CBC RAK

The place is littered with teddy bears…every kid who comes to programs there gets one as a comfort buddy.  Whit clearly wanted to take that one home. (Which would have been better than a dog from the shelter!)

RAK #7: Flowers and cards and hugs

Several years ago my dad’s aunt spent her last years in an assisted living facility fairly close to our house. It has changed names and ownership several times since then, but we spent a fair amount of time there when Lincoln was very small. And nothing lights up a place like that quite like children, right?  So we descended upon their lobby and dining room this afternoon armed with homemade cards, a huge bundle of carnations and endless hugs. If I wouldn’t have been so busy trying to keep Whitman out of trouble, I probably would have teared up several times. It was easily my favorite part of the day.

hand made cards RAK

Lincoln and Whit wooing the ladies with flowers and hugs. I adore the woman's face with the carnation in this picture.
Lincoln and Whit wooing the ladies with flowers and hugs. I adore the woman’s face with the carnation in this picture.
Lincoln with "Nonnie D" who would have liked him to stay longer.
Lincoln with “Nonnie D” who would have liked him to stay longer.

RAK #8: SAMM Ministries

There are no photos from this RAK…the facility has security measures and I couldn’t manage the bags of stuff we were delivering and a camera all while trying to keep Whit from taking over the place. But I think everyone knows what they need at homeless/transitional housing shelters…big boxes of diapers and laundry detergent and scads of toothbrushes and toothpaste, etc.  The volunteers were delighted to see it all. And I had one of the best conversations of the day with the boys as we were leaving…they had been watching the people walk in and out while in the car and Lincoln had plenty of questions about what it means to be “homeless” and he was really trying to wrap his brain around the big boxes of diapers were we delivering. “So whose babies are they? Those babies don’t have a home?” “What’s it like inside? Like an apartment or more like a hotel?” and my favorite, “Do people want to be homeless or does it happen by accident?” Which, of course, has a much more complicated answer than I could really give him…but a great conversation nonetheless.

And finally…. RAK #9: Park Clean-Up Egg Hunt

I had planned to head to a park and do a little cleaning up, but the parks by our house happen to all be very well taken care of, so there wasn’t much to do. I was semi-prepared for that to be the case…and it was almost dark by the time we got there anyway…so, Plan B: an egg hunt!

Egg Hunt RAK

The flash didn’t make for such a great pic of the boys…but they sure had a blast hiding eggs with their flashlights all over the playground area at the park. And a few quick games of hide-and-seek in the dark might have also occurred. I think if I didn’t have to work in the morning, I’d be tempted to head back out there and watch the kids who get surprised when they show up to play tomorrow!

Egg hunt RAK

So there you are…all 9 RAKs in one place.

One of my favorite days concludes…and I feel full and blessed and grateful.  So, so many of you shared in this day, participated in RAKs of your own in Wheeler’s honor and I can’t begin to express to you how warm and fuzzy it makes me feel to have his name spoken and written and shared all over the place in the spirit of kindness and selflessness. I have so much peace knowing that, even though his life did not turn out the way I wanted it to at all, that it continues to have meaning and momentum and a legacy of its own. And for that, I thank you – my friends and family and MISSters and readers.

And lastly, good night my dear, sweet birthday boy.

These nine years don’t look like what I expected them to…but I remain humbled by your lessons and gifts and legacy. Your soul continues to be a source of comfort for me and inspiration to others…and I am just as proud of you as I would be were you running down a soccer field or handing me a report card. Thank you for choosing me as your mom – it continues to be one of the greatest honors in my life.

All my love for all time –

Mom