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I’m going to officially declare February as the most complicated month of my life. Is that a thing? The most complicated month?

Remember this February in 2011? Whew.

But even when they are “regular” they are full of love and sad and brimming tears and bittersweetness. And this year, well, it was no different.

I spent the first half of the month in London. (Poor me, I know!) It was a fantastic trip – a touch of work, but mostly play – and I felt incredibly grateful for such a luxurious experience. But, as any mom knows, over 10 days away from home and away from your kids has its consequences and requires serious catch-up…even if they were under the super-awesome care of one of the world’s greatest grandmothers. (Thanks Mom!) So, five days after returning from Europe, we had a brand new 9-year-old in the house…cue hosting family parties and birthday breakfasts and herding a gang of kids all over a bowling alley for an afternoon.

Then, with less than a week to go before this year’s WWS RAOK Day, I got the flu. Again. (I suppose Type A had so much fun, Type B wanted to have a go… argh.) I tell you about all of this chaos because this year was a great reminder for me that, while parenting my oldest has never looked exactly like parenting my other two children, I’m most definitely still his mom.

Because, really, what else besides motherhood would make a woman with stubborn jet-lag, post-birthday-party exhaustion, certain-death-by-cough and a low-grade fever** even get out of bed, much less run around town inflicting kindness on people??!! And that, my dear friends, is how Year Eleven would begin…

Here they are, all in one place… Eleven for WWS RAOK Day:

First, my sweet, talented, awesome-teacher, sister-in-law had her whole wonderful class make these adorable little compliment cards…and almost everywhere I went all day I left them on windshields and public bathroom mirrors and stuck them in little hidden spots for just the right person to find. (And if you want some, but don’t want to be crafty, I got the idea from Erin Condren and hers are also gorgeous.)

 **Relax! I’m kidding about the fever part…it had been gone for a whole 12 hours before I exposed myself to the public…
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It was a grey, dreary day and I couldn’t resist these stunning flowers which I promptly delivered to my sons’ teachers, just because.

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I also stopped in at the library near our house and anonymously paid off some people’s library fines… I was so grateful that the sweet woman at the counter had particular people in mind who really needed the boost. I love it when that happens!

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Some more compliments along the way…

The next two RAOKs were in support of two great causes – Kiva, which does microloans across the globe and Free The Girls.org which provides jobs to sex industry survivors in developing countries. I’ve done two other loans through Kiva and it is so powerful to see the incredible progress made possible by such relatively small amounts of money!! Check it out.

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And if you have any drawers that are full of these (not cats!) you might consider sending off the ones you don’t ever wear to support Free The Girls. Because, seriously, slavery? How is this still a thing?? We should all be doing whatever we can to bring an end to such tragic nonsense.

For Number Six, it was more flowers to combat the dreary day. I placed fresh flowers on my grandparents’ graves and also about a dozen of their neighbors… including the graves of a 3, 4 and 6-year old. (heavy sigh) I have a thing for cemeteries, always have. Does anyone else share that odd attraction? They are so peaceful and full of interesting tales…

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Number Seven was four free rounds of bowling for the next crew of people to head into the Bowlero… free bowling – on a rainy Friday – who wouldn’t love that?

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Some more love for the parking lot….

Number Eight happened as I was leaving the parking lot of the bowling alley. It was raining and super, duper cold and, as a general rule, we Texans are fairly unprepared for both cold and wet. I saw this woman standing at the bus stop with the tiniest, brokenest umbrella ever to exist…and she was holding it sideways to try to make the wind blow it back down into position so she was totally getting wet anyway. I slammed on my brakes and jumped out and handed her the Green Giant which has lived all alone in my car for forever. I’m sure the Green Giant was happy to finally be of use!!

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Then we took the boys to get haircuts and we pre-paid for the next family who was coming in for haircuts, too. It turned out to be the next morning and I got the sweetest email from the mom of the little boy who was treated to the free trim. I love thinking about the ripple effect that happens when others let the gratitude and goodness flow out of them into the world around them – it’s one of my favorite parts of the day!

Well, also this munchkin with his newly trimmed hair! Those faint little freckles slay me.

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While we were getting haircuts, Ron was out buying a bunch of coats. (I’m serious, it’s cold here y’all!!) We headed down to the Salvation Army shelter and asked the volunteers to please give them to the people who need them most. (Even the really nice jacket that Ron tried to keep!) ;-)

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And our final RAOK for the day (by this time I was nearly feeling human again!) was for our very kind waiter at dinner…for his special attention and patience with our two little tortilla faces, we left a 100+% tip. And that’s all eleven, folks!!

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At the end of it all, I’ll be honest, I felt pretty lucky to have pulled it off at all. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Grateful. Full. Loved. Supported. Ready to collapse. Bittersweet. You know, like a mom. This year had a different flavor to it, for sure, but I think it’s all part of this journey – continually figuring out how to evolve within the on-going transformation that grief brings. There is no end, no closure…there’s just trying to keep up with how it changes you and how those changes keep showing up.

I will never really be able to explain to you how much it means to have all of you – friends, family and even strangers – joining in the day with us. So many here and on Facebook wrote to me about their anticipation of the day, their own acts of kindness in Wheeler’s name, and their joy at watching the day unfold… it is beyond description, really, what this day has become for me. But I’m so grateful to have so many who share in it with me and the day is filled with many happy tears.

WWSAnd now, to my sweet Wheeler, happy birthday again!

It seems that each year this experience with you changes and grows and, in that small way, it is so much like raising your brothers – they won’t stop changing or growing either. You know, eleven years ago I wrote a letter to you for the memorial service and even in the fog of my shock and grief, it turns out I was able to articulate some things that have held up pretty well. Remember this?

“…you are teaching us so much without even being here – I’m humbled to think of how much we would have gained if only you could have hung around for a while – I know you would have shown us what life is really all about. I’m so sad that we are missing that.

I’m claiming this prayer for all of us – from Isaiah 61:

God will proclaim this to be the year of His favor over you…to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…they shall be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

Thank you for being part of God’s plan for our lives – for making us stronger, like the “oaks of righteousness,” and helping to mold us into the people God hopes for us to become. You will always mark a huge turning point in our lives – one that I hope I can look back on someday with appreciation and understanding – someday when I’m not quite so sad anymore.

Please know how much you are loved and missed by all of us. I think of you constantly and expect that I always will. Your father and I can’t wait to see you again someday and when we do, I hope you will be proud of us.

Until then, all my love –

Your Mom”

How about that? I can definitely testify to the beauty and gladness and praise that have grown out of our mourning and despair. These birthdays with you are so much about the display of His splendor in our lives…and I had no idea what that would really mean when I wrote that over a decade ago. Thank you for continuing to teach me and for continuing to let me see your legacy at work in the world. I can’t imagine being any prouder of you and your sweet little life than I am today. But, hey, I know it’s motherhood, so it’s gonna keep changin’, right?

All my love for all time –

Mom

A few years ago I distinctly remember feeling DONE with the advent calendar. I was at a loss for what to put in the little boxes – seriously, there’s enough candy everywhere already – and how many teeny, tiny gifts even exist that won’t just wind up in the trash? The boys were only so excited about endless stickers and temporary tattoos. Not to mention that I forgot about it as many nights as I remembered…and there’s nothing quite like scampering about at 6:21am when you hear the kids stirring awake and remember that the little box is empty – again. I vowed to free myself from the advent calendar ridiculousness.

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Also, the older I get, the more allergic I feel to anything that even smells like entitlement or sheer, unadulterated consumerism… so that certainly helped progress the transformation. Over the past few years we’ve transitioned to a month of family activities, gift giving and acts of kindness in place of the candy and toys… disclaimer: I’m not a total Scrooge, so there are some Skittles and Starbursts thrown in the mix!  ;-)

The boys and I posted (almost) daily on FBTwitter and IG (#adventwiththesooses) but, I had several requests for the whole list in one place, so this is for YOU!

1. Gather up all the Christmas books for a month of nightly holiday stories.

2. Make and send Christmas cards for service men and women deployed away from home.

3. Send stuffed animals and blankets to the boys’ school for their student council drive “Barrett’s Bears.” (They collected over 700 items to give to the Children’s Hospital!!)

4. Do something nice for someone at your school today. (And I made cookies for them when they got home and we talked about who and what and how it went.)

5. First round of holiday goodies going to school for principal and nurse and counselor.

6. A New Year’s package for our sponsored child.

7. Go through clothes and donate to the Children’s Shelter and Goodwill.

8. Second round of holiday goodies to the school for the front office staff.

9. Write love letters to selected family members.

10. Leave a gift for the mail carrier.

11. Do something nice for your brother. (Yes, they hated this one!!) :-)

12. Take a gift for the bus driver.

13. Love notes and goodies for the nanny.

14. Go through toys and donate to the Children’s Shelter and Goodwill. (Also filed under: must.make.room.for.grandparent.gift.overload.)  :)

15. Goodies for the garbage men and recycling guys.

16. More love notes to other family members.

17. Third round of gifts to the boys’ school for specials teachers.

18. Go see Christmas lights with grandparents…have hot cocoa and s’mores!

19. Take gifts to your teachers.

20. Build a fire tonight to go with your Christmas stories.

21. Donate to Wheatens In Need…or current favorite charity.

22. Candy cane bomb a parking lot.

23. Leave popcorn at a RedBox for renters.

24. Put out treats for the birds. (no photos after this because the flu came to visit our house just in time for Christmas!!) :(

25. Huge chocolate candy coins to have with Christmas breakfast.

And that’s how I finally survived an advent calendar!

For other ideas and inspiration for your own advent makeovers, you can look here and here and here. There was also lots of talk this year about transforming the infamous Elf on the Shelf into a Kindness Elf… same concept and Pinterest is full, full, full of more ideas including these cute printables.

I hope this post finds you healthy and grateful and looking forward to a brand new year! Merry Christmas!

DSC_0002Because the bags and bags of candy lying around the week of Halloween aren’t enough… I thought, “Hey, let’s make that bark stuff where we pile it all together and coat it in chocolate!”

So easy – and it does kind of look like a party on a plate.

I modified the recipe here because I couldn’t find the Halloween Oreos, so I used brownie crisps, instead. The boys had fun stealing candy while I tried to make it before all the ingredients were gone.

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Oh! And I almost forgot! The other day I made these silly mummy dogs to help us get into the Halloween spirit…also super easy and a big hit.

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Yes, they are exactly what they look like. Hot dogs (organic, non-cured, non-nitrate of course ;-)) wrapped in crescent rolls and baked…with mustard dots for eyes. The boys had a good laugh at breakfast and started asking when they could wear their costumes.

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Well, they aren’t THAT scary. :)

Happy Halloween Week!!

Seems like I was just posting about our summer bucket list and bam! school starts tomorrow. Lucky for me, I did not blink…so I did not miss it in spite of the break-neck speed.

Summer is always such a paradox for me. (As are a lot of things…which is why I’m such a Whitman fan, I think, because his quote comes up in my head a lot and gets truer and truer every year: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”)

I LOVE the Summer. I love the freedom and the sleeping in and not making lunches and not seeing a backpack or a stack of papers for months. I love being in and out of the pool all day and watching sun-kissed boys lounge in their nearly-dry bathing suits while they insist that popcorn is acceptable for lunch – and I agree.

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I love that mealtimes sort of go away and we gather and eat when and if we feel like it. I love deciding, at the crack of 10am, that today we’ll go binge on video games and bad pizza and then we just go do that…because there is no schedule to consult or adjust.

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I love that my parents take the boys every Friday and do the coolest stuff: bat caves and zip lining and ropes courses and paddle boarding and movies and ice skating and roller skating and bouncy house fun.

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I love the lake trips and day drives and bowling/swimming playdates and mid-week sleepovers and pottery class and ALL.OF.IT.

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Every day with the boys I was aware how quickly this time will pass and that someday summers won’t look anything like this…and I’ll miss them terribly, I know. I felt so grateful to be able to be home with them so much and such a big part of their lazy Summer days. 

And honestly, just reading that last paragraph I can feel the other side of the paradox fake barfing just like my boys do over such sappy sentiments. Because, also, I DO NOT love the Summer. I crave a routine and without one I can get listless and unproductive. The empty calendar pages loom for weeks and I feel the pressure to fill them, make them useful, don’t just sit around for 2.5 months, go, do, learn, inspire, engage, entertain…and then I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. DSC_0136I really, really miss school-night bedtime…when the boys are staying up late every day feels endless and like I don’t get any of my necessary “me” time. Going to work feels like a chore because I have to leave all the fun and schedule all the nannies and I get lazy about my own career – which is something I adore. And then I feel bad about not being a good grown-up. DSC_0021They watch too much TV and play too many videogames and at some point I just say “OK” because we’ve already done everything on the list for that day…so, why not? And the “nutrition” that comes with the summer – ha, who am I kidding? So then mom-guilt sets in. Also, I adore back-to-school shopping – really – and that only happens when Summer ends. And then there’s the fighting… don’t even get me started on the bickering and poking and picking and taunting and antagonizing that has been perfected this Summer. IMG_0963They worked at it as if their very lives depended on it, like an artist works his craft, like an athlete trains for his biggest feat… they honed their rivalry skills and nearly drove me nutty in the process. I planned days based on the sole purpose of separating them. I planned activities in which they wouldn’t see each other for hours. I sent them to their rooms and forbid them to look at one another. So there are just as many reasons that I do NOT love the Summer.

And because of all of that, I am full with contradictory melancholy and glee that today is the last day of the Summer.

DSC_0005We had our ritual end-of-summer camp night this weekend and I was a mess of emotions over it. First, we moved into a new neighborhood at the start of this Summer, so the new house is still showing us what treasures it holds…like being able to camp out, under dreamy stars amid a glorious, somehow-cool breeze at the end of August in Texas surrounded by deer without a single mosquito in sight…seriously, who knew that was even possible? We had a late, late swim and then dried off by the campfire and fell straight into the tent where Whitman laughed us to sleep with his “guess which animal I’m thinking of” game. (Which I would love to tell you about, but I don’t really understand it. He loves it and it makes us all crack up – that will have to do.) How could I want for anything like that to ever end? I felt sad and sentimental and incredibly blessed. DSC_0043

And in the morning, I was delighted at the thought, “OK, that’s the end of that…back to the real world we go. Thank goodness for regular bedtimes which will soon be back!” And I made breakfast and organized something and put things on a calendar and filled out first-day-of-school paperwork… so relieved to think this Summer craziness would all be over soon. Whew.

Then the boys began begging me to get in the pool for a morning swim… “Dad’s here, come on, it’s so nice and cool…come on mom, why won’t you??!! Huh? Why not? Come have fun with us!” And so, just to shut them up, and maybe also to prove that on rare occasions I can actually be as much fun as their father, I walked straight across the deck, still in pajamas mind you, and jumped right in. Their squeals of delight made me instantly miss the Summer again. DSC_0011

So, dear Summer, so long for now… I have loved and hated every minute of you. I will mourn your end at the crack of dawn while I’m making breakfast, buttoning buttons, packing fresh new backpacks, combing hair and supervising teeth brushing. I will mourn you when the boys sigh at my refusal to let them swim at 8:00pm because there’s still too much to do and it’s bedtime. I will mourn you when it’s my day off and I can’t steal away my children for an unscheduled day doing who-knows-what.

I will also delight in your passing at 8:17am when I’m alone in a silent house with no mouths to feed and no bickering to referee.  I’ll probably also do that again around noon, just because I can. Try not to take it personally.

Thank you, Summer – you’ve been the very best!

Do you guys do this?

For the past couple of years I’ve asked the boys to compile their summer wish list at the end of the school year… partly because I’m curious about what they are interested in and partly because I worry that if I don’t put it on a list and then on the calendar, we’ll get to the end of August and I’ll feel awful that “we didn’t DO anything this summer!!”  

I made the mistake of Googling “summer plans” and “summer routines” the other day.

I was instantly overwhelmed with posts by a ridiculous number of über-super moms who basically run summer camps for their kids for nearly three months…I was exhausted just reading about it. So I stopped. (After I had gleaned a couple of little gems that I might be motivated enough to try.)

Anyway, several of the moms talked about the “Summer Bucket List” which we kind of already do… so I got curious about my real-life super mom friends and their kids’ summer plans.  Wanna share lists??

Lincoln’s (work-in-progress) List:

Go fishing

Visit Schlitterbahn water park

Build a tree house

See the bat cave with Pop

Fourth of July trip to Lake Livingston

hand-feed the deer (in our yard)

Ropes course and zip line at Natural Bridge Caverns

make pottery

Playdates with his friend E.

 

Whitman’s (work-in-progress) List:

Birthday party in July!

swimming lessons

go to the beach

trips to the movie theater

a visit to Chuck E Cheese

gymnastics lessons (?!)

Parkour lessions (yes, these exist.)

 

I’d love to see some other ideas… here’s to summer fun!!

I just got a phone call from Ian’s mom… she is at the bakery right now picking up his cake that was our RAOK #2 this week.

I just had to update because I was so certain that my time at the bakery would be so much better than theirs – that whole giving is better than receiving thing, right? She insisted that the bakery owner call me so she could thank me… the minute she heard my voice I could tell she had those “brimming tears” (and me, too, of course.) She was gracious and lovely and I wished her a very, very happy birthday party weekend.

And y’all, I just know that when she hung up the phone she got one of those awesome hugs!! So yay for us – her time at the bakery WAS almost as good as mine!

Happy Birthday Ian!!

Happy Birthday Ian!!

Ten Years

Y’all. I can’t wait to tell you about my day.

But first, do you know what “brimming tears” are?  They aren’t sad or mad tears. They aren’t exactly just tears of joy either. They are the tears that happen when you are just completely full. There’s just so much…so much good, so much love, so much gratitude, so much in-this-moment-right-here…that the slightest extra thing, extra hug, extra smile, extra word makes you spill over in the form of tears. Brimming tears.

(They can also happen the other way… so defeated, so anxious, so exhausted, so hopeless that one more little thing – one more spilled cup, one more middle-of-the-night-wake-up, one more mean word… and you spill over that way too. But that’s not the kind I’m talking about today. No, not at all.)

Today I am the mother of a ten-year-old. For those ten years he has been in a tiny, cherry wood urn sitting in an heirloom cabinet in our living room. I can see it from this chair I sit in. It is surrounded by Willow Tree figures. For ten years I have been trying to figure out how to be a mom to my oldest child – simultaneously the easiest and most difficult of my children. He doesn’t talk back. He doesn’t have a perpetually messy room. He requires no laundry, no car pooling and no grocery store lists. But he’s also never reached for my hand. Never laughed so hard that I wondered if he would be able to catch his breath. He’s never snuggled, fresh from a bath, into my lap in order to get to stay up past bedtime. For ten years I’ve been trying to solve this dilemma – what does it look like to parent this oldest child of mine?

Just like parenting my living children, I’ve made some mistakes. But I’ve tried to learn from them…and from other brave moms before me who share these experiences. I’ve never stopped trying to figure it out, trying to get closer to what I think it could be…lots of trial and error about how to keep his memory alive and honor the ways he’s changed me and changed our family. I imagine it’s something I will do for the rest of my life – and I hope I never feel like it’s done. One of the things that does work for us is to spend his birthday inflicting kindness on as many people as we can manage… and today it was pretty splendid.

So here they are… the WWS Random Acts of Kindness to commemorate a decade:

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WWS RAOK #1 The joy of flowers

Now that the boys are getting a little older, they throw their ideas into the RAOK bucket when February comes around. This is Whitman about to deliver flowers to the office at his school. He also took flowers to his teachers (and in his backpack when he came home this afternoon there was the cutest thank you note signed by the whole class…too much!)

I should also note that Whitman really wanted to give gift cards to, well, like to everyone. I’m not entirely sure he knows exactly what a gift card is, but he definitely wanted everyone to have one today. This tradition could get pretty expensive if we ever let him be in charge!

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Check out this adorable little bakery…serious cuteness in here. This was easily one of my favorites of the day.

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WWS RAOK#2 Cakes and Hugs

This sweet little bakery definitely saw some brimming tears today. And not just mine, either.

I had made arrangements (via email) to anonymously pay for someone’s birthday cake – and out of the three bakeries I contacted only one of them even answered me and then followed up again to let me know that an order had come in that might be what I was looking for. I was so grateful that someone took the time to help out with my little request.

To the lady at the counter: “Hi, I’ve been emailing with someone here about paying for a birthday cake?”

A head poked around the corner from the back, “Oh that’s me. Are you Jennifer?”

“Yes, yes I am.”

“I think I have to hug you.”

And people, she wasn’t joking around. You know how sometimes you get a hug and it’s nice – it’s just a simple, quick hug and it warms you up a bit? And then there’s what happens when people hold onto you for longer than that. And they talk to you while they are loving on you. As this woman who I had known for exactly 1.7 seconds was squeezing me she started saying, “I lost my husband recently and, oh, that was so, so hard. I just can’t imagine a child. This thing you are doing to honor his birthday, it’s just beautiful…beautiful.” (She was still hugging… and I could tell that her brimming tears had started.) We chatted for a minute – she asked about Wheeler and then the lady at the counter took a noticeable breath and headed to the back. My new best friend leaned in and said, “She lost a baby, too…this is probably hard.” I know I don’t have to tell you, but this is where you can cue my brimming tears if you are picturing this like a video in your head. I paid for a cake for a little boy who is celebrating his birthday this weekend – Ian, who likes all things construction related – and requested a picture of the cake when it was finished, if that wasn’t too much trouble. As I was signing the receipt the other woman came back to the counter and she was taking a good hard look at the card I was leaving – this side:

DSC_0030And then I knew why no other bakery had called me back. (You can cue another round of brimming tears for that moment when I got back into my car.)  I almost feel sorry for Ian’s parents…I mean, sure, they are in for a nice little surprise when they pick up his cake on Saturday and don’t have to pay for it…but, seriously, I hope somehow they get one of those hugs. I hope they get at least one dose of brimming tears. If not, they won’t get nearly the joy at Meemo’s that I had today.  Bakery RAOK Update

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WWS RAOK #3 Notes to Soldiers

These are some of the cards the  boys made to send to soldiers who are serving overseas. Thanks to the most awesome nanny in the world, this little project took place on a day when I was working until 9:30pm…and it was lovely to come home to a table full of these cards. We used A Million Thanks as our resource to send the cards out today as RAOK #3. Most of the cards just said “Thank you” or “Thanks for your service” but one, there was just one that had a little something extra (that I hope my brother gets to see…)

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Can you see that? “Thank you for everything you do for us.” And then the tiniest little stick guy under our flag pointing what looks like a gun at another little stick guy who is in “som other contry.” Poor little guy in some other country…can you feel patriotic when you don’t even know where you are from?!

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WWS RAOK #4 Care Package to Seattle

(Apologies for some of these photos which were taken with my phone. Let me tell you a little story about my phone. It’s an iPhone, technically. I believe they actually refer to it as an iPhonasaurus. A few weeks ago I was at the end of a session with a client and I grabbed my phone to look at the calendar to schedule his next appointment and he said, “Geez doc, that thing still work? Does it even HAVE a calendar on it?” “No,” I said, “Actually it’s not a calendar, it’s a sundial. But it works just fine. How’s next Wednesday at two clicks past the third quadrant?”  Yes, he’s at least a decade younger than I. And yes, many, many clients can not resist the urge to call me “Doc”… not because they think I am one, but because of my last name. OK… so there you go. My phone is old. The camera sucks. Let’s move on.)

Shortly after Christmas one of my favorite souls on this planet posted on Facebook about how the homeless shelter at which she works had not gotten nearly the stuff they needed during the holidays. And that was a particularly bad thing since the holidays are when people tend to do that kind of thing. So I pledged to her that when Wheeler’s birthday came around, we would send a package of whatever she needed most at that time…which is what the boys are helping me do at the post office in that Jurassic photo above. Maybe now a shelter full of men in Seattle can stop sharing nail clippers. Ew.

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My little helpers as we loaded up stuff for all of our stops.

Time to head to the park for RAOK #s 5 and 6. The weather was so gorgeous today, so these two were just plain fun.

WWS RAOK #5

WWS RAOK #5 Happy Dogs

A bin full of dog toys and frisbees at the dog park. Whitman really, really wanted to go around and hand out each of the toys to the dogs and owners that were there. He absolutely couldn’t understand why I was content to just set them out on a bench and leave them.

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But, as you can see, he’s really shy like that. (And no, in spite of the last few photos, Linc was not in a bad mood…he’s in an anti-camera phase at the moment, so his cooperation can not be counted on.)

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We moved on to the playground. I sure hope that little cutey on the rock wall got to enjoy some of the bubbles we left behind.

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WWS RAOK #6 Bubble Time

The next Act of Kindness would test us all. Our will power, that is.

WWS RAOK #7

WWS RAOK #7 More Happy Animals

Here’s Whit reluctantly dropping off the toys and treats for the dogs at the Animal Defense League. Reluctantly because, again, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t just take them into the facility with us and hand them out to each and every dog there. Which I totally get.

We went in and walked around and loved on the animals and, miraculously, we have just as many animals as we had when we got there. (whew!)

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Professional Nappers

Next we headed home for a little break, two more RAOKs and to wait until later so Ron could join us for the last few of the day.

WWS RAOK #8: The boys helped me pick out a child to sponsor on the Compassion International website. We found a little boy who shares Wheeler’s birthday whose name is Angel and lives in Nicaragua. This is part of my on-going effort to raise children who have as broad of a perspective as possible. I mean, let’s face it, if you are born a white male in the USA, you’ve pretty much won the global lottery. I wish, wish, wish for children who learn to be mindful of the larger picture, the planet as a whole…to think of their impact on it and to understand that other people, other humans just like ourselves, are out there living lives quite different than our own. I have hopes that by reaching out to a boy their age we will not only provide some basic necessities to him, but that they will also broaden their world view just a smidge. Baby steps.

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WWS RAOK #9 Memorial Boxes

Long-time readers might remember this post about little boxes… and so this act will be a familiar one. In March our local chapter of MISS Foundation will be hosting a memorial box painting party and these supplies will be donated to that event, turned into works of art, make their way to a local hospital and eventually into the home of a family who finds themselves on this unwanted journey. These boxes will some day contain very precious and priceless cargo.

And finally…twelve hours after we started…we completed our TENTH RAOK:

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WWS RAOK #10 Movie Night

What’s movie night without popcorn?? We attached a dozen packages of microwave popcorn to the RedBox in our neighborhood.  Fun, right? I hope so… it was a nice way to end a busy, bittersweet, splendid, generous day.

Throughout this day I lost count of the messages and texts and emails coming in from all over the place…my dear, dear friends by whom I am so blessed all sharing how they were remembering Wheeler in their own communities and in their own ways. In Dallas and Houston and Atlanta, Arizona and California there were people paying for Starbucks orders for those in line behind them, donations made to animal rescue organizations, formula and diapers given to a women’s shelter, extra large ice cream bought for an unsuspecting kid, cookies baked and delivered, library fines anonymously paid off, a teacher who recruited her whole class to join in and many others that kept trickling in over the course of the day. I felt giddy at the thought of all this kindness going out into the world with my little boy’s legacy attached to it…I felt über-connected to all of you. I will never be able to thank you enough.

A number of the messages wanted to know, “How are you?” And not like the usual “How’s it going?” but the much more sincere, “No, really, how are you…really?” It’s a question that I very much appreciate and here’s the answer:

I really am quite well. This is a day I have grown to love, love, love. Grown to love. I didn’t start there, for sure. These past few years I have marked the day completely out – no clients, not much work, no obligations – and it’s one of the few times I can do that with very little guilt. The time with the boys is precious – they ask such great questions and embrace the spirit of this endeavor in a way that surprises me and makes me brim (yet again!)

Here, at the decade mark, there is much, much less sadness. Of course I still wish he was here, in our family where he belongs. Of course I wonder things like how tall would he be by now? Would he play sports? Which brother would look more like him? What would his voice sound like? What would he dream of doing with his life? I wonder. But that’s not what parenting this kid looks like – I don’t get to know those things. And I’m making peace with that. Days like today help me do that. All day I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for how his existence has changed me and how much influence he has on our family…I could have burst with it. The impact he has had just wasn’t possible in any other way.

I give a talk at memorial services about the transformation that grief brings and in that speech there is bit of poetry from Gibran. He basically says that he who has not looked on sorrow will never truly look on joy. “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” Wheeler’s brief visit on this planet carved out such a space in me I wasn’t always sure I could endure; but here, here at the ten-year place, I mostly feel astounded at my capacity for joy and gratitude and perspective. What greater gift could a son give a mother?

And that is how I really am. Brimming.

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So happy birthday my dear, sweet boy. There remains a hole in our family that is exactly your size…thank you so much for teaching us how to fill it with all the best parts of what we have to offer. You’ve made me a better mother than I could have been without you. I can’t wait to see what it’s like to learn to parent you for the next ten years.

Until then, all my love,

Mom ♥

For past years of Memorial RAOKs… go here and here

For more information on MISS Foundation go here for national and here for San Antonio.

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